Day Two

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Well its taken me a while to get to part 2 of my blog, but here we go..

When i say “day two” i’m talking about my second day in hell, at the hospital in the ICU unit with my little boy. We still hadn’t had gotten an MRI on Rylan’s brain¬† (we where told this would come later in the day). The day started off with a meeting with Rylan’s team of amazing doctors explaining that overnight Rylan had shown no signs of improvement, he still had a machine breathing for him, adrenalin to help pump his heart and keep his blood pressure stable, antibiotics just in case there was any infections that had caused this to happen and morphine to keep Rylan comfortable.

Rylan

Rylan in th ICU unit

I went into day two with hope, knowing that we would have his MRI results by the end of the day, these results would tell us if Rylan had brain damage and if he did how bad it was, we already knew there was some damage as his pupils had no response, his body would stay stiff (unless muscle relaxants where used) and his little body was not controlling his temperature but again i had the hope that there would be minimal damage and he could still pull through.

On day two my amazing aunty flew in to Melbourne to be by my side and help with my daughter, i was overwhelmed with messages and calls from concerned loved ones and i had family preparing to drop every thing to be here, i don’t know what i would have done without all that support.

Day two went quite fast, we stayed by Rylan’s side making sure a family member was always by his side, the day went on with lots of blood tests, medication changed, doctors in and out and finally the dreaded MRI scan. They got Rylan all prepped and ready to go (no easy task i might add!!) and i walked by his bedside until i wasn’t aloud any further, i kissed him goodbye and got ready to play the waiting game.

After an hour Ry was back up in his room and we where waiting while doctors looked at his results. At about 4pm the doctors where ready to sit us down and confirm what they already knew. Ry had gone too long without oxygen and his brain was severely damaged IF Ry made it out of the ICU unit he would never walk, talk, see, hear, or eat. He would have no motor skill and had lost the ability to think. They also thought he many constantly need a machine to breathe for him, what sort of life is that?

Do we keep him on life support? what if he was suffering? could something magically happen? is there any chance he could wake up and be ok? did they have it wrong? had they double checked and checked again?

All these questions where running through my mind, but at the end of the day i kept as level headed as possible and i knew that if Rylan did make it out of ICU his quality of life would be poor and i didn’t want my baby to suffer. All hope was gone, reality had smacked me in the face and i knew at that moment Rylan was going to die.

We had all made the decision that we would have one last night with Rylan and then we would let him go to heaven and be at peace, i went with the doctors and had a look at his MRI scan, I’m no doctor but i needed to see for myself. After that i went back to Rylan’s room in the ICU and prepared for my last night with him.

The Melbourne Royal Children’s hospital was AMAZING Rylan’s nurse was beautiful and all the staff where amazing, i would often come into his room and to hear the nurses chatting away to him, every time they had to move him they would explain to him what they where doing and let him know he would be ok, i took great comfort in knowing that his care could not get any better!

On our last night the nurses made a special bed for rylan and i so i could cuddle him and he could sleep in my arms, this is a moment i will treasure forever and be so grateful i had, right before i fell asleep i told rylan it would be ok , he can let go, he was such a fighter and i was so proud of him, i fell asleep that night with Rylan by my side for the very last time.

Our last night together

My last night with Ry Ry

The next day was a blur, we gave ry his last bath and dressed him, everyone had their last cuddle, we took hand and foot prints and prepared as best we could. Over night Rylans condition continued to decline and nature was making the decision for us in the end. At 3pm it was time, i held Rylan close and cuddled him just like i had been doing for the last 8 weeks, the doctors removed his tubes and i stood at the window watching how beautiful it was out side and i rocked him in my arms until i felt his last breath.

The day my life changed…

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Monday December 15th was the day my life changed, and not for the better.

 Let me start with a little about myself, my names Amy, im 23 and a single mother of two, a little girl named Lola-Charm and a baby boy Rylan.

I don’t really know how to start this i suppose this isn’t a normal thing to wright about, i guess im doing it to help others who may know somebody who has lost their baby to SIDS or have gone through it themselves. when you loose a child you can feel so alone, words cant describe the feeling and unless you have been in that situation you cant understand and trust me you don’t want to understand.

On December 15 my early morning started off with a usual 2am feed with my little man Rylan (i suppose this is only normal for new parents lol) It was an unusually quick feed but i just thought i got lucky! I put Ry Ry back down to sleep and fell quickly back to sleep myself knowing id be up for his next feed in just 2 hours.

But that 4am feed was missed and of course i slept through. At 6am my Dad left for the gym as normal and as the door shut behind him my eyes opened, i saw through my blinds that it was light outside “that’s weird” i thought to myself “maybe Ry just slept through a feed” even though that was what was going through my mind i couldn’t ignore my gut telling me something wasn’t quite right.

I got up and looked at Rylan, he just looked asleep, but again i could feel something wasn’t right i went to pick him up and as i lifted his tiny body i could feel it was limp and lifeless, i called out to my mum who ran straight in, i think from the tone in my voice she knew something was wrong. I cant even tell you the words we said because its all a blur, i called and ambulance while mum put Rylan down and started CPR, all i can remember screaming down the phone is “please hurry”.

The ambulance arrived within minutes and so did the rest of the first response team. Our quiet house looked like a hospital with 4 paramedics and 2 firemen all working to get my little mans heart started again. All i can remember was standing back in disbelief, one of the paramedics turned to me and said “This is the worst situation, but we still have no pulse, we can only try to revive for 30 minutes, would you like us to continue?” without hesitation i said yes, there was no other option for me i wanted to continue until there was nothing left.

16 minutes later they had a heartbeat, i felt relief and hope surge through my body, but then i also felt dread and fear, im not a doctor but i know 16 minutes with no pulse is not good, but i had to hold on to anything i could at that point. The ride to the hospital was quick, i had to follow in the ambulance behind with the sirens blazing, i was holding on so tight to his little blue striped blankie, it smelt just like him so i kept it close.

Before i knew it i was sitting in a little room in the emergency resus section of the hospital, i was still in complete disbelief at what was going on, a nurse and a social worked came and sat with me and talked over the morning events, after i recounted my story i asked to see my baby, i walked down the hall and to a room, i couldn’t even walk through the doors as there was so many doctors and nurses where running all around him, i go told he was heading up to the ICU ward “that has to be good right?” i thought to myself, “he is still a very sick little boy” one of the doctors told me and then i was whisked away. I know this seems short but i was in a huge amount of shock, i had conversations with a few doctors but i cant even remember what was said.

By this time i had called Rylans father and he was on his way from sydney (he went back to sydney when Rylan was just 1 month old) Although i wasn’t thrilled to be seeing him i didn’t care as my main priority was Rylan and i believed he needed to be there for his son, Rylan needed all the love he could get around him at this point.

I was eventually aloud up to the ward, there was tubes needle and cords everywhere and in the center my little baby, what the hell happened?? Rylan was ok yesterday? we had a few concerns with Rylans health but nothing that was an immediate concern for doctors (i will get into all that another day)

A lot went on throughout the day meetings with doctors and sitting by Rylans bedside is what stands out for me, as i said before i still had a lot of hope that there would be a miracle getting Rylans heart started after so long was amazing in itself, the doctors where very upfront and honest and told me that his eyes wern’t responding and he was showing signs of severe brain damage. I kept hoping that he would start to show signs of improvement but i also kept a straight head and prepared myself for the worst…

I hate to cut things off here but this is my first blog and its a hard story to tell, please stay tuned and keep checking back for updates.

-Life is a gift